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|  July 30, 2007
A Short Story
Slowly the look of disgust and suspicion crept across the conference table like a contagious disease. Everyone was a suspect. When the meeting began no one could have seen it drawing towards this conclusion. Charlie’s was actually the only look of deceit, for he was the one who knew that the smell they were all trying to place was actually emanating from him.
It was only moments earlier, which now felt like an eternity, that he too made the mistake of assuming it was just a fart. But now he sat there mortified with what was literally a dirty little secret. Charlie didn’t blame himself though, this he thought was the work of his wife! Had she under cooked the meat in the chili last night on purpose to give him food poisoning? Was she trying to kill him with salmonella? Or perhaps she knew this would happen and he would die of embarrassment. Yes, that’s it, she thought that he would get so embarrassed that he would throw himself out the window. But what she didn't count on was that today’s meeting was in the conference room on the second floor, while new carpeting was installed up on the twentieth. Could this really be all because he refused to watch “Dancing with the Stars” with her last Tuesday? Then Charlie remembered that she too had eaten some of the chili last night. He couldn’t help but think that maybe at this very moment she too was shitting her pants, and a smile crept over his face.
However, none of this thinking was helping to solve the problem at hand. Luckily, this being a Fortune 500 company’s board meeting, the chances of somebody yelling out, “Who farted?” were slim to none, which bought him a little more time of anonymity. But if this meeting carried on too long surely, there would be a little wet mark in the back of his pants which could be matched to his seat and they would have all the proof they needed to make him the laughing stock of the company. What if it went out in the company newsletter? And that’s when the big question hit him like a ton of bricks, Could he be fired for shitting his pants? If he could, surely he wouldn’t be able to use them as a reference on his next job. He could hear the jokes now, “We had to let him go because he did a shitty job.” He would fight this all the way to the Supreme Court, McCormack & Co. vs. Charlie McShitmypants. Who was he kidding, his career would be over.
Again, he snapped back to reality realizing none of this thinking was helping to solve the problem at hand. Obviously, he couldn’t just get up and leave, then everybody would know for sure it was him. And as long as they didn’t know for sure, he always had the tool of denial. The three all important D’s of business responsibility Deny, Deny, Deny. That’s when Charlie realized that if only somebody else at the table would do something worse nobody would even be thinking about the smell escaping from his pants. And that’s when he began to stare at Harold, easily the oldest man at the table, and began chanting in his head, “Have a heart attack, have a heart attack, have a heart attack.” And just then Harold brought his hand up from under the desk and brought it to his face to cover his mouth and nose. It was quickly evident this was no heart attack, he just smelled Charlie’s secret excrement.
That’s when it happened. Mr. Schmidt, who was standing at the front of the room, turned from his charts and said with a look of discomfort on his face, “I think that’s enough for today, let’s continue this on Monday, shall we?” And he exited the room with haste. People began to arise from their seats trying to find some fresh air to breath when Brian commented, “I guess he had to really go to the bathroom.” And a few people chuckled. They actually chuckled. And as everybody knows whoever smelt, it dealt it. Which meant the real suspects were Mr. Schmidt and Brian. Nobody knew Charlie’s dirty little secret. It was as if a ton of bricks had been lifted from his chest. The worst was over. Now all Charlie had to do was get to his car before he was found out.
As Charlie sat in the Friday traffic on the 405 it was as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Sure he was sitting in a pile of his own feces, but nobody else new that, and that’s really all that mattered. He no longer blamed his wife, he didn’t worry about finding a new job, or a lawyer to fight his case in front of the Supreme Court. He just smiled thinking about how nice it would be to go home, go to the bathroom, and take a nice long hot shower. That’s when his stomach dropped and all his plans were changed again. He knew he only had a minute if not seconds to get to a bathroom. There was no way that could happen while stuck in this traffic. Charlie thought to himself, “If you’re out in the rain and you get all wet does it really matter if it rains any harder? No, of course not.” So, Charlie just let it all go. And as quickly as the relief came it was replaced by mortification. He realized he had never been so wrong about anything in all his life. This was nothing like the rain. | | |  May 15, 2007
5 Reasons You Might Be Better Than Me
5. You don't wet the bed.
4. You're above me in one of the numerous pyramid schemes in which I'm involved. (If you're not and you're interested in becoming your own boss by paying me email me today!)
3. You can tell the difference between when a woman wants you to show her your penis and when she just wants to know what time it is.
2. You've never thought that Girls Gone Wild commercials were a suitable substitute for pornography when it wasn't available and that Golden Girls was a suitable substitute for Girls Gone Wild commercials when they weren't available.
1. You've never thought to yourself in a horrified state of shock, "I guess I'm going to have to figure a way to get my pants on over it and ask the doctor to get it off of me." | | |  May 14, 2007
5 Reasons I'm Better Than You
5. At parties or public funtions I've never been accused of being too boring. Only drunk and disorderly conduct, public nudity, public urination, conduct unbecoming of a gentleman, sexual misconduct, exposing myself to domesticated animals, exposing myself to wild animals, and threatening public officials (Additional list available apon request of the Chicago, Los Angeles, or New Orleans police departments.)
4. In my entire adult life I have shit my pants in public less than 5 times.
3. I've never been thrown out of a J.C. Penney's women's lingerie department for sniffing women's panties, only asked to purchase said panties. In a side note, is there anybody interested in buying women's panties, I am willing to sell in bulk?
2. Every time trucker drivers catch a glimpse of me masterbating while driving on the highway they've always looked impressed.
1. No woman has ever broken up with me because she was unsatisified sexually, only for... see list from #5. | | |  May 1, 2007
Question of the Day
Today's question comes from Cynthia in Topeka, again. She asks, "Ok smarty pants, how about ghosts! Do you believe in ghosts?"
Once again, Cynthia, the existence of ghosts is not dependent on my belief in them. The real question is do I believe that there is enough evidence to prove the existence of ghosts. I'd have to say that I personally haven't seen any evidence in the existence of ghosts. However, I would be lying if I said I don't wet the bed when I hear something go bump in the night. And one time I was convinced that my grandparents' ghosts where haunting their old house when we went there during an open house to try and sell it. I was convinced I heard ghosts upstairs, but it turned out to just be a gay man in the attic going through their antiques saying, "Oooooohhhhh" Appearently they were very nice antiques.
And I'm aware that other people claim to have powers to talk to the dead. Such as John Edward of "Crossing Over" not to be confused with John Edwards who doesn't talk to the dead but he wouldn't mind their vote. But when it comes to the show "Crossing Over" I'm well aware that death must be a very traumatic experience, I just find it hard to believe that it's so traumatic that it would lead you to follow loved ones to tv shows and then say things like, "I'm related to her some how and I think my first name starts with a J." If there was a real ghost talking it would be probably be more like, "I'm her father Jim. I hate her new boyfriend, and have her tell the blonde next door to stop rushing her showers."
Although if there are ghosts, I can understand why there aren't more hauntings. If death is eternal there is no rush talking to the living. Soon enough you'll be stuck with them forever. No sense making them live knowing that burden is coming up. The only thing scarrier than death would be to know that after it happens you have to spend eternity with all the people you've been letting go straight to voice mail.
| | |  April 23, 2007
Question of the Day
Today's question comes from Cynthia in Topeka. She asks, "Do you believe in aliens?"
Thanks for the question, Cynthia. Let me first state that the existence of aliens is not dependent on mine or anybody's belief in them. I think a better questions would be do I believe there to be evidence that proves the existence of aliens or do I think that alien existence is possible. The answer to the former is no and the latter yes.
When it comes to random people's claims of alien abduction and probing I would have to say that I have never seen enough evidence to substantiate these people's stories. Although I do have to admit that if I had the time and technology I would enjoy abducting drunk rednecks to probe them just to watch them squirm and then return them to the woods with no proof of the incident.
As for the possibility of alien existence, when faced with what seems an infinite universe, the existence of aliens not only seems possible it seems probable. However, I have no reason to believe that we have been visited by aliens that were covered up by our government. To believe that the government is powerful enough to cover up such a conspiracy for so long only leaves me wondering how then could they not cover up the fact that the vice president shot somebody in the face? Surely, it would be easier to quiet a few men in the woods than large groups of the military and intelligence community.
What surprises me is so many people's interest in making contact with aliens. Given the millions of species of life on this planet it seems egotistical to assume that aliens would choose to identify with humans, just because we believe we are the highest form of life on the planet. Imagine for a moment we went to a planet that had a form of life that resembled humans, but there was another life form imprisoning them and eating them. Would we be ok with that and try to make contact with that superior life form or would we attempt to free the life form that more resembles our own?
Because what if there was an alien life form that came to our planet that more resembled the tuna fish than the human being. Do you think that they would choose to make contact with us or would they rather help the tuna fish? Perhaps they could speak to the tuna through telepathy and teach them how to finally avoid those pesky nets. And suppose then that these alien tuna fish cousins tought Earth tuna fish telekenisis and advanced forms of technology and warfare. Then it would only be a matter of time before our city skyscrapers were filled with water and we would be the ones living in aquariums... air aquariums, airuims if you will.
And then just like how some people have little diving men in their personal aquariums, they would probably put plastic tuna fish in our airiums. And although we would be aware that they were just plastic tuna fish mannequins we would have to worship them as idols because the ruthless alien tuna fish and the Earth tuna fish, thirsty for revenge, will be watching us. Watching us cower in the corner of the airium unable to ever go to sleep because the younger tuna fish think it's funny to constantly tap on the glass. And we're left to wonder when are they ever going to clean out our bowl because the smell is getting unbearable, while praying that they never get a taste for sushi!!!
So, no, I don't believe that there is yet evidence of alien life, I do however believe it to be probable. Yet, given the millions of life forms on this planet I find it improbable that ours is the life form they would want to communicate with, because if their life form is unlike ours they probably won't be impressed by our forms of archeticture, communication, travel, or entertainment. And if they are like humans, they'll probably just kill us because we don't have the same religion as them. | | | April 23, 2007
Update
I haven't been home since March 14. In the last six weeks I've performed in 8 different cities. Actaully I was in St. Louis twice, but once was at the Funny Bone comedy club and the other was at the University of Missouri - St. Louis. This week I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio and next week I'll be in Dayton, Ohio. And then I finally get to go home for a couple of weeks.
In the last 6 weeks I've traveled from Reno, Nevada all the way to Charlotte, North Carolina with lots of stops in between. Six weeks may not seem like that long of a time but when you spend every week in a different city it can really throw you off. Sometimes I can spend all day trying to figure out what city I'm in. See if you can figure it out, the city I'm in right now has a McDonalds, a Blockbuster, a Taco Bell, an Olive Garden, a TGI Friday's, and a Starbucks. If you guessed Milwaukee you're a day too late, I'm in Chicago right now. Unless you're reading this tomorrow then I'm in Columbus, Ohio. At least when I'm home in Vegas I get to add to that list, the Eiffel Tower, a Pyramid, and homeless ladies that will blow you for a bingo card. I can't wait to get home for a little while because I miss my bed and I've got some bingo cards to pass out. But until then hope to see you in Columbus or Dayton. | | |  April 1, 2007
JAQ
My friend JAQ entered a contest and made a video for Turbo Tax. The winner of the contest wins $25,000. The contest is on You Tube. If you get a chance please stop by and give him a vote.
Click Here to Vote for JAQ
If you want more info on J check out his website www.foulmouthpoet.com or check out his band's website at www.themvsthem.com | | |  April 1, 2007
Thanks
Thanks to everybody that called and sent messages on my birthday last week. Sorry, I haven't been posting much lately. I've been on the road a lot performing and sometimes I don't have internet access.
In the last three weeks I've been in St. Louis, then North Carolina, then Indiana, then Chicago, and right now I'm in Fairview Heights,Illinois and on Monday I go to St. Louis agian (two weeks ago I was performing at the University of Missouri, next week I'll be performing at the Funny Bone in Westport). So, with all the traveling it's been hard to find time to post stuff on my website. I'm sorry about that I appreciate all the people that have been stopping by to check out my website though, thanks. I've got a lot of ideas to start righting about so hopefully I'll get a chance to do a lot more posts this next week. I know I'll be at a nice hotel in St. Louis and I'll have internet access.
| | |  March 12, 2007
Question of the Day
Today's question comes from Alex in Texas. He writes, "I want to go see Zodiac but my girlfriend refuses to see a scary movie with me. How do I convince her to stop being such a baby?"
I took my girlfriend to see that movie, and now I realize that was a mistake. I actually don't recommend taking a woman you live with to see a scary movie. Because now we have to sleep with the lights on, I have to get up ten times a night to check that all the doors and windows are locked, and there has to be a baseball bat next to the bed. It's just embarrassing to have her see me like this.
I believe that there are three types of scary movies. You have your psychological thrillers like "Zodiac" and "Silence of the Lambs". I believe these are the scariest. These are what keep me up at night, because you never know where or when the killer is going to strike again, and many of the things in the movie are very plausible. And then you have your slasher movies like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Jeepers Creepers" which are retarded. You know where the killer is, stop going to that town! Then you have supernatural movies like "Gothika" and "Child's Play". Also retarded. Because I'll just kick a doll or a kid right in the face and then run away. I believe that is a good defense against an evil ghost kid, however it seems to always get me into trouble whenever it's my first halloween at a new place.
But if you still want to convince you're girlfriend to see a scary movie you'll need to show her that you have all the precautions in place. Here's what you'll need:
1. A mannequin on rollerskates. No need to enter a dark room first when you can push this decoy in to take that ax in the back.
2. Get rid of your bed frame. Monsters can't hide under your bed if your bed isn't in the air. Everybody knows that monsters love to grab your ankle when you get out of the bed. I never give them the pleasure.
3. No medicine cabinet mirrors. Killers love to show up right when you open the medicine cabinet so that you see them when you close it. They are such drama queens. If they see you have no medicine cabinet mirrors they'll probably just go next door instead of putting in the time to invent new drama.
4. No dolls, no Indians, no packages from excavation sites, and absolutely no midgets. All those things are magnets for murder.
5. And the final thing you need to do is install a dead bolt locking, bullet proof shower door. And if those aren't invented yet, I think I may have just come up with a multi million dollar idea. | | |  March 8, 2007
Question of the Day
Today's question comes from Karen in North Carolina. She writes, "My husband wants to get a pit bull, but we have a two year old son and I think it's too dangerous. He says I let the media scare me too much and that I'm being ridiculous. Are my concerns over blown?"
Thanks for the question, Karen. I've always said when it comes to your pets eating your baby, you can never be too careful. In fact I try to make it a rule never too keep anything in the house that can eat me. I think it's a good rule to live by. If you don't believe me just look at Roy Horn , or this guy , or this guy !
There are so many breeds of dogs I don't know why your husband feels the need to get a pit bull, or as I like to call them the great white shark of the back yard. Tell your husband there are better ways to define your masculinity than by the breed of dog you have, like driving a nice sports car, drinking too much beer, or wearing a codpiece .
And I can't imagine having a pit bull is that much fun. You know what happens when a pit bull shits in your house? It laughs at you while you pick it up. At least a beagle will be ashamed of itself and go hide under the table. And do you know how to get a pit bull off of your couch? You don't, you just sit on the floor until he's done using it. And pit bulls are all muscle. They have an insane amount of strength for their size. So, trust me you don't even want to know what happens when he decides he wants to hump your leg.
And if all of that doesn't convince your husband you might want to warn him that people have gone to jail for the crimes that their dogs have committed. You can't imagine how fast he'll become jail bait when Bubba asks, "What are you in for?" and he responds, "I have a bad doggy." | | | | Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 Next |
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