is caught in the act
|  July 30, 2007
A Short Story
Slowly the look of disgust and suspicion crept across the conference table like a contagious disease. Everyone was a suspect. When the meeting began no one could have seen it drawing towards this conclusion. Charlie’s was actually the only look of deceit, for he was the one who knew that the smell they were all trying to place was actually emanating from him.
It was only moments earlier, which now felt like an eternity, that he too made the mistake of assuming it was just a fart. But now he sat there mortified with what was literally a dirty little secret. Charlie didn’t blame himself though, this he thought was the work of his wife! Had she under cooked the meat in the chili last night on purpose to give him food poisoning? Was she trying to kill him with salmonella? Or perhaps she knew this would happen and he would die of embarrassment. Yes, that’s it, she thought that he would get so embarrassed that he would throw himself out the window. But what she didn't count on was that today’s meeting was in the conference room on the second floor, while new carpeting was installed up on the twentieth. Could this really be all because he refused to watch “Dancing with the Stars” with her last Tuesday? Then Charlie remembered that she too had eaten some of the chili last night. He couldn’t help but think that maybe at this very moment she too was shitting her pants, and a smile crept over his face.
However, none of this thinking was helping to solve the problem at hand. Luckily, this being a Fortune 500 company’s board meeting, the chances of somebody yelling out, “Who farted?” were slim to none, which bought him a little more time of anonymity. But if this meeting carried on too long surely, there would be a little wet mark in the back of his pants which could be matched to his seat and they would have all the proof they needed to make him the laughing stock of the company. What if it went out in the company newsletter? And that’s when the big question hit him like a ton of bricks, Could he be fired for shitting his pants? If he could, surely he wouldn’t be able to use them as a reference on his next job. He could hear the jokes now, “We had to let him go because he did a shitty job.” He would fight this all the way to the Supreme Court, McCormack & Co. vs. Charlie McShitmypants. Who was he kidding, his career would be over.
Again, he snapped back to reality realizing none of this thinking was helping to solve the problem at hand. Obviously, he couldn’t just get up and leave, then everybody would know for sure it was him. And as long as they didn’t know for sure, he always had the tool of denial. The three all important D’s of business responsibility Deny, Deny, Deny. That’s when Charlie realized that if only somebody else at the table would do something worse nobody would even be thinking about the smell escaping from his pants. And that’s when he began to stare at Harold, easily the oldest man at the table, and began chanting in his head, “Have a heart attack, have a heart attack, have a heart attack.” And just then Harold brought his hand up from under the desk and brought it to his face to cover his mouth and nose. It was quickly evident this was no heart attack, he just smelled Charlie’s secret excrement.
That’s when it happened. Mr. Schmidt, who was standing at the front of the room, turned from his charts and said with a look of discomfort on his face, “I think that’s enough for today, let’s continue this on Monday, shall we?” And he exited the room with haste. People began to arise from their seats trying to find some fresh air to breath when Brian commented, “I guess he had to really go to the bathroom.” And a few people chuckled. They actually chuckled. And as everybody knows whoever smelt, it dealt it. Which meant the real suspects were Mr. Schmidt and Brian. Nobody knew Charlie’s dirty little secret. It was as if a ton of bricks had been lifted from his chest. The worst was over. Now all Charlie had to do was get to his car before he was found out.
As Charlie sat in the Friday traffic on the 405 it was as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Sure he was sitting in a pile of his own feces, but nobody else new that, and that’s really all that mattered. He no longer blamed his wife, he didn’t worry about finding a new job, or a lawyer to fight his case in front of the Supreme Court. He just smiled thinking about how nice it would be to go home, go to the bathroom, and take a nice long hot shower. That’s when his stomach dropped and all his plans were changed again. He knew he only had a minute if not seconds to get to a bathroom. There was no way that could happen while stuck in this traffic. Charlie thought to himself, “If you’re out in the rain and you get all wet does it really matter if it rains any harder? No, of course not.” So, Charlie just let it all go. And as quickly as the relief came it was replaced by mortification. He realized he had never been so wrong about anything in all his life. This was nothing like the rain. | | |  May 15, 2007
5 Reasons You Might Be Better Than Me
5. You don't wet the bed.
4. You're above me in one of the numerous pyramid schemes in which I'm involved. (If you're not and you're interested in becoming your own boss by paying me email me today!)
3. You can tell the difference between when a woman wants you to show her your penis and when she just wants to know what time it is.
2. You've never thought that Girls Gone Wild commercials were a suitable substitute for pornography when it wasn't available and that Golden Girls was a suitable substitute for Girls Gone Wild commercials when they weren't available.
1. You've never thought to yourself in a horrified state of shock, "I guess I'm going to have to figure a way to get my pants on over it and ask the doctor to get it off of me." | | |  May 14, 2007
5 Reasons I'm Better Than You
5. At parties or public funtions I've never been accused of being too boring. Only drunk and disorderly conduct, public nudity, public urination, conduct unbecoming of a gentleman, sexual misconduct, exposing myself to domesticated animals, exposing myself to wild animals, and threatening public officials (Additional list available apon request of the Chicago, Los Angeles, or New Orleans police departments.)
4. In my entire adult life I have shit my pants in public less than 5 times.
3. I've never been thrown out of a J.C. Penney's women's lingerie department for sniffing women's panties, only asked to purchase said panties. In a side note, is there anybody interested in buying women's panties, I am willing to sell in bulk?
2. Every time trucker drivers catch a glimpse of me masterbating while driving on the highway they've always looked impressed.
1. No woman has ever broken up with me because she was unsatisified sexually, only for... see list from #5. | | |
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Caught In The Act is the hilarious debut album of comedian Nathan Trenholm. A live show recorded in Cincinatti, Ohio, Caught In The Act features over forty of Nathan's greatest bits.
Everything from Bird Poop to Bike Cops. Be the first of your friends to get it, and show everyone what you've discovered.
You'll be the coolest kid in your neighborhood. So what are you waiting for? Get your copy now!
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